guys..i’ve been having a hard time lately. it’s times like these i’m grateful to have shared my story with you because when i’m having these hard days or weeks i’m happy that i can express that to you. express that not everything is always perfect and when we have a tragedy we don’t all have to pack up and move on and simply leave grief behind.
my self diagnosis is that as summer comes to a close we are closing another chapter of life. i think about the things that should have been. that is what is dragging me down. the should haves. we should have had a really fun second half of summer with a new addition to our family. we should have been getting excited to experience babies first fall and christmas. all i can think about is winter and it just seems so dark.
it’s hard for me to even just type the word baby. it makes it real. i have been dealing with a lot of anger this month as we near the middle of september. i think it’s totally unfair that i look at my beautiful little nephew and picture a playmate that should have been there. firsts they could have had together. and i get angry. angry of the firsts that will have to wait or might never be. angry because i love that little nephew of mine and i would have loved watching them grow together.
they say that grief comes in stages but for me it feels like i’ve just been bouncing around like a ping pong ball in between them all. one day depression, one day acceptance, one day anger. but not yet much clarity on any of it. sometimes i’ll be driving into town and i would love nothing more than to put my fist through the windshield. (for the record i don’t) but sometimes it’s fun to just visualize it. watch the glass just spiderweb out from my balled up fist as to think some how that the anger and hurt will surge out of me and into the window and the broken window will then absorb it all.
i am not an angry person and i prefer not to carry around much baggage (i move around too much) but this past week or two i have just felt a little plagued. i’m sharing all this really personal stuff with you not for sympathy but because i know many of you reading this have been through this situation. or been in a situation of loss wither it be marriage, baby, job, loved one or simply something you just really loved. sometimes wither it’s okay or not.. you just get pissed off. and you just want to be angry about it for a while because that is what you, your insides, your brain are feeling right now. it won’t last forever, it maybe wont even last until tomorrow. but i want to be real with you. and in between the food, flower and farm posts there is me. dealing with all this heavy stuff. navigating through it and working on growing through it. and today… a flower post just didn’t seem fitting today. maybe tomorrow.0