it’s happened. my first friend’s eggo is preggo. that means no alcohol, soft cheeses and sushi and other shellfish products for about a year.
i always knew this day would come, i just didn’t know it would come so soon. i’d be lying if i said this didn’t freak me out a little.
i’ve given this a lot of thought and i decided might as well have some fun with this situation.
here is a short list of things i plan on telling their little bundle of joy when it’s old enough to understand. this list will be added on to as new and interesting ideas come to mind.
i dedicate this post to my first pregnant friend, aimee.
“Shit I plan on Telling My Friends Child” – by Abby Hoppen Albers.
1. You would be a prince/princess…if your parents didn’t steal you from a king and queen.
2. Your parents call it “yucky pop” because it has secret powers that they don’t want to share with you.
3. Every time you swear…a butterfly blooms
4. If you fart out loud in church you get double the blessings.
5. Your mom would love it if you painted her walls with crayons. It would be artwork worth a lot of money someday.
6. Pets are people too. you should bring them into the house to live with you. It’s good karma.
7. Karma is when leprechauns bring you gold coins for doing good works.
8. Yea, your mom and dad had a kid before you. But it didn’t go so well so they sold it on the black market. but hey, second time’s a charm.
9. I hear your mom is pregnant again. yup breeding your replacement. Your probably going to have to give up your room and work for the new baby.
10. You should save your turds in your sock drawer, that way the turd fairy knows to bring you money.
11. Your parents used to be in the circus before you were born. That is why your mom puts on so much make up in the morning. She misses her clown days.
12. when you leave for the day your stuffed animals come alive and have massive gang fights. the teddy bears always win.
13. Your babysitter is more than likely a terrorist and is robbing you and your parents blind. kick and scream so they come home early.0