one year ago today i woke up from a dead sleep with a feeling that something was off. things added up in my head and i had a feeling that… things might be off because i might be pregnant. i took the test and the details are still crystal clear in my mind. it was negative turned positive. i went to work not telling a soul until i got to my friend leahs house and took like a dozen million more that proved yep. pregnant.
i went and ordered the white cake with black icing and had a good laugh with the baker. i drove home and surprisingly kept my cool and wits together until i could wait for the appropriate time to deliver the cake and surprise joe.
that my friends was a good good day. exactly one year to be exact. this has been a very difficult road for us. not just for joe and i but for our families too. you are constantly plagued with the what ifs and the what should have beens and it’s a constant CONSTANT battle to not dwell on them.
it’s hard to describe the feelings i have today. it’s still hard. it’s still hurtful. but today unlike july 15 is different. when i think of the one year of what today is i remember the happy things. because as far as we knew that day it was a great secret we both shared. our lives were going to be changed (and they still were). i will never forget the look on joe’s face when he opened the cake. i will never forget driving home from leahs house and all the exciting thoughts that went through my head. it was a beautiful day and i’m going to remember and celebrate it as such.
when i find myself starting to sink i cling to the promises i made myself after we lost the baby. that i would be more fit in body and mind, that i would find balance in my life , that i would grow and trust in my faith, get my work and shop and home in balance. and i think i’ve done a pretty good job so far. (always room for improvement). these things are what have got me through this past year. the determination to change the things that i am able to change.
i am still accepting the person this experience has changed me to be. my heart is different. it is more vulnerable and a bit fragile. i have a hard time showing empathy more than what i used to. battle the cynical. but that is what happens when we go through life changing events good or bad. it changes us in a way. and it’s up to you to make sure it’s good changes. “cling to what is good hate what is evil” romans 12:9.0