Christmas Eve Hope

“I can’t believe we’re (expletive) here again” I cried as I walked in to my mom and dad’s house and dropped my bag on their doorstep.

We had just come from our twenty week ultrasound at maternal fetal medicine. Our hearts were full of hesitant hope and that quickly diminished as a familiar pattern emerged.

The techs face stiffened. Quieted. Stood up and said I’m so sorry but I do see something. I do need to go find a doctor.

I looked at joe and I think we both had the same quiet panic on our faces and in our hearts. How can this be. How can we have made it this far again only to be kicked in the back of the knees with.. whatever this is.

The tech came back in and said the doctor will be in soon I just need to get a few more images. I looked at her and said “I know you can’t tell me details but I have to know if it’s heart, brain or kidneys” she reassured me that it wasn’t any of those three things. I don’t know why that made me breathe a little easier? But it did. I still had no idea what we were facing but I was confident after what we went through with Otto’s heart, we can face anything. I didn’t want to, but we could.

The doctor came in and looked at the images herself and confirmed she also saw something in the bowel/ intestines of the ultrasound. There was a name for it but I was too heartbroken to honestly give it my full attention. She asked me to get dressed and we could meet and discuss the situation.

I held it together the absolute best I could knowing that when we were here before, the less you cry the more info you get.

After reluctantly texting our parents that they see something in the ultrasound someone needs to pick Otto up from school, We met In a room similar to how we met after Otto’s 20 week ultrasound and discussed the situation at hand. There was something in the bowels that looked like an odd formation/ blockage that shouldn’t be there. A plan was made and we were told that the baby would

Need to go to the nicu after birth for evaluation and would potentially need surgery for the blockage. After the blockage was removed everything will be just fine and it’s a relatively simple fix.

A small part of me was like thank God  this isn’t more serious. The majority part of me was filled with rage, anger and just extreme sadness. I so desperately wanted to have just a “normal” healthy birth. I wanted the time together after birth that I never got with Otto. I wanted to welcome my family in with my baby not in the nicu. I wanted to have my own doctor deliver my baby in the hospital I wanted to be at.

Some of these seem so petty I know, but man. After three miscarriages and a baby who has heart issues and open heart surgery, I really thought we were going to have things go right this time.

Anger. Cynicism. And just over all callused heart is what I felt.

So began the weekly check ups to check on this mystery blockage. The only silver lining was we got to see the baby more (albeit mostly its bowels but they snuck a hand or foot in there from time to time) and nope we never found out the gender. Which was tricky considering the area that needed to be studied.

After a few visits the blockage started to seem smaller…. Huh imagine that. I still wouldn’t believe it. We just weren’t that “lucky”.

I know you’re wondering Abby, what in the world does this have to do with Christmas Eve. Well let me make the connection for you.

Christmas Eve 2023 and we barely make it to the service on time. We almost didn’t go but we felt this tugging that we really need to. We sat in the upper level last row (again late) and it was as if God put a spotlight in Joe and I’s face and said “glad you could make it, this one’s for you”.

The scripture read from Genesis 18

11 Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

13 Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ 14 Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

15 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”
But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.”

Gulp.

There joe and I were sobbing in the back of church. For it was us. We laughed at the thought of this thing, this unknown going away. We laughed, not in a jovial way, but in a defense mechanism to protect our cynical hearts that things could improve. That we could have this happy ending. The sermon last Christmas Eve was about having hope. Losing hope, building walls against hope for protection and then once again taking them down and letting God take back control.

Throughout all our journey with pregnancies and heart defects and doctors , I’ve learned that even if God doesn’t “make it go away” he certainly provides the path of survival through it. we left church that day with the hope and confidence that we were going to face this head on and survive through it.

In the weeks that followed we remained, well hopeful. The “thing” continued to shrink until we showed up a few weeks later and it was gone. That’s right GONE. I don’t think I closed my mouth from surprise the entire appointment we were discharged and sent back to dr. D (my doctor) . I was so shocked that when we met with the specialist one more time I looked at the paper and saw the word ovaries and about fell off my chair. Only to have the specialist go umm Abby, those are YOUR ovaries they’re talking about.

I’d be lying if I said that I walked out of the specialist  without a care in the world. Part of me still expected them to go wooooahh come on back or worse , they did find something after birth and we were separated. But I continued to fight for hope.

When Iris June was born this past spring. She was beautiful. She cried out and was placed on me. We were wheeled into recovery together. I got it all. I got the moments with my trusted doctor delivering her, I got the first moments together, I got the special time to introduce Otto and my friends and family to her.

A thrill of hope. Sometimes our hearts and heads want to shield us from disappointment but there is always the human nature to have hope. To fight for it. To preserve it. Even when it feels like hope is gone. It takes but a moment to bring it back.

Christmas Eve will always remind me to have hope. That message is etched in to my heart forever (and if you would like to hear it for yourself lagrave crc in Grand Rapids Michigan releases sermons on podcast. December 24,2023)

Hope for ourselves, our children, our families and friends and the hope from the works of God.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices.

Merry Christmas my friends. My hope for you is that you are surrounded in love, peace and most hope.

Xxoo Abby