can i be really real here for a second with you? i don’t know why i’m asking that because that’s honestly all i ever am and strive to be in this little corner of the internet.
here is my truth:
i am frantically racing against time. i have two jobs, a farm, too many hobbies to count, a marriage and a son. i am trying to do everything that i love to do and still be the best mom and wife that i possibly can because that is what is most important to me. i feel like i cry on the daily not because i’m sad but because at the end of the day i sit down and i hold my baby who is too fast turning into a little boy and i wonder how these days are just flying by. when just a few short months ago i could hold him on my forearm. now this sweet boy of mind stretches to either side of my lap. it seems like time is playing a cruel trick giving me all these wonderful things but having the zip by in a blink of an eye.
the struggle? i don’t want to miss any of it.
what is this all about abby? (you might be asking)
this is about me being sick and tired of the “mommy wine culture” that is slapped our faces every time we turn on the tv, open facebook to memes and crying out loud even wear it on our t shirts.
what set me off today? i was looking for clothing for otto on etsy and the search i did produced a t shirt that says “life happens, wine helps” it had a drawing of a wine glass around it. enough. enough already!
here is why this made me so sad. life happens. and some times yea it’s reaallllllllll shitty. some days you get poop all over your dry clean only kate spade dress followed by hot breast milk barf down your bra. those? not so good days. but the idea being pushed that as a whole we need to “get through” motherhood. “get through” life. it makes me so sad.
i made a promise when otto was stuck in the hospital back in october. get my boy out of here and i will work my hardest to give him the most beautiful life. that beautiful life has nothing to do with guzzling wine in glasses the size of home depot buckets.
it would break my heart if otto ever thought that i needed a substance of any kind to “get through” his childhood.
i had a conversation with my mom about this very topic when we were in alabama. and maybe my senses are heightened to it because my mom is a recovered alcoholic. i’ve seen first hand what relying on a substance can do and how fricken hard you have to work to make things really beautiful again. (you can read more about her journey here)
it’s not a joke. it’s not a meme. it’s not a funny t-shirt. you are so much more than what this culture is putting on you.
it’s offensive that society has told us as women “grin and bear it and if you can’t drink it”.
you are so much stronger than having to get buzzed to enjoy being mom.
you are so much stronger than having to rely on a substance for sale (that people make money off of) to enjoy this life.
you have the capacity to love so hard within your own heart that shame on the person telling you that you need wine to numb yourself through it.
i’m not saying that i don’t enjoy wine. i’m a foodie. i loooooove cooking, baking and learning. i love going to wineries and talking with the growers the makers i love the science behind wine. and yes. i love drinking it. but i am someone who needs to constantly be asking my self WHY am i drinking this. and if that answer has anything to do with escaping a problem or a bad day… then it’s time to put the glass down and do something else.
so here is my challenge to you on this.
don’t waste life. don’t get through it. don’t wish it away. there are some really really hard times i know. there are days where i just want to go to bed at 7pm and have a do over. but these are the days that show what you are made of. the days that build your character. the bad days make the good days just that much sweeter. don’t try to numb yourselves to the life experiences that were brought your way for a reason. you were made for GREAT things. you can do HARD things. you can SAVOR the best things.
Thank you!!! I always felt this. Also, I always think what kind of message does this send to our kids? Shirts that say mommy juice and it’s wine o’clock?? I never got it.
Preach. You said it perfectly!!!
Thanks for this, Abby! Coming from a broken family with an alcoholic father it’s a breath of fresh air to hear this type of perspective about the newest wine craze. I completely agree with you and appreciate your heart.
❤️❤️❤️ Great post!
Such a good post Abby! I agree with this 100%. So many times we are reaching for things (wine, shopping, whatever) to cope. I want to be conscious of my stress and find ways to actually deal with it rather than numb it.
Very well said!!! Our society has become “wimps”! Always needing to numb away reality! Whatever happened to grit? Not to mention the frustration to those struggling with infertility and would give anything to have those bad days with a baby to love! Thank you for your post!! ❤️
Oh my gosh, yes! People really have problems and joking about this kind of unhealthy coping just isn’t even funny! Ps I don’t know how you have the energy to do all those things! I can’t even keep up on laundry, lol.
Well, interesting very interesting! I had This conversation oddly enough with my 17 year old son. He asked me why I dont drink wine like his friends moms do. I will occasionally have a beer or a small drink (my dad is an alcoholic, which Sam knows all about). I told him I would rather take it in the face full steam and deal with it than be drunk trying to do it. I’m not against others that do, it is just not ok for me. I need my wits about me! I am disappointed in the culture that has been created with “easing the pain”. I’ve never looked at it as a painful job. I have One child and I dont want to miss any of it the wonderful and the not so wonderful. Thanks for starting the conversation Abby!
I have so much to say on this topic! In a nutshell, I agree! In one word, AMEN! Thank you! I thought I was alone!
You spoke to my heart here! I’m not a drinker, never have been. I’m still constantly being “peer pressured” at every event that I need to drink and let lose. Even at kids’ functions, I have never understood the other parents’ need to get drunk. I love being MOM and being responsible and actually having fun with my kids as they grow up and not just have them seeing mom get drunk to have fun!
I am so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way!! I feel like every time I even walk in to target 90% of the women’s shirts say things about wine or rosè to cope with the day!!! As a mother I never want my children to feel as if I need something In order to “deal with being a mother” my children are the greatest joy and blessings of my life! Yes, some days you are drug to places you never thought you’d end up, and balancing the never ending schedules, Laundry, dishes, and mom guilt… the days can be LONG but let me tell you the years are oh so short!! My twins just started driving last week and it’s a weird feeling of pride and not being as needed as you once were!!
Amen!!!!! I just had a heated argument with my best friend over this very thing! She was telling me to loosen up regarding either drinking or taking “chill pills” to get through the days of mothering my 13 and 16 year old daughters. We’ve never had a real fight, but I lost it on her. I’m the daughter of a never recovered alcoholic mother and father. I’ve never, ever even taken pain meds when I had surgery for fear of it altering my ability to care for my girls, one of which is a Type 1 diabetic.
So, I fully agree. Too bad you live so far North, sounds like we could be fast friends! Keep on keeping on mama!
I got you
Perfectly expressed…perfectly!!!❤️
I agree wholeheartedly. Good days, great days, not so great days and downright difficult days are here to savor. It is our life and I for one want to experience it all. Our time here on this beautiful earth with our loved ones is finite. I can’t imagine choosing to “mask” any part of it. Cheers! To the good life!
Thanks, Abby. Life is sweeter and better sober. I am a grandma who has witnessed too many lives damaged by alcohol and drugs. Not one of these people – all dear to me – seemed “happier” to me and the children in their lives were always hurt. Parents – please give your children the gift of being a sober, dependable mommy or daddy! It’s so worth it.
AMEN!!! Totally with you!
Great message! Thank you for sharing this! ❤️
Agree so much with this. Thank you for your honesty and approaching this subject!!
Oh my STARS!!!! YES!!!!! A thousand AMENS!
Preach it sista. Good thoughts.
Tell me if I am wrong, but havent you had many posts that show you drinking wine? If I am wrong I’m sorry
She didn’t say she doesn’t drink wine. In fact, she said the opposite. Just because you do choose to drink wine doesn’t mean you support the current propaganda than seems to promote that wine or cocktails is the answer to any struggle or frustration you face.
Barb, you have to read the whole post. She says that she does drink wine. She just doesn’t use it to “get through the day.”
You have such a good, intelligent, kind head on your shouldders and a huge and loving heart….and you have your priorities in the right order!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I love this post a thousand times over! No truer words were ever spoken. It makes me so sad to see all of the posts of moms who do not enjoy their children and for example “can’t wait till school starts back” and do not realize the precious memories they are throwing away with their children. Very well said!!
I love what you said here. I see all those those things that you talked about and always found them to be pretty doll. I would have never worn something like this when I was w raising my kids or even now (I’m 66 now with 6 grandchildren and 2 great grandkids). I love how your live your life❤️ You and Joe look like you are living your life to the fullest and doing the things that you love. Yes not everything is perfect, you have those days but you get through them without grabbing any substances to do that. At the end of a hard day you have a glass of wine or two so be it. Keep living YOUR good life
Love your posts but I have to disagree. Speaking as a daughter of an alcoholic that died from the disease and someone who works with people with substance abuse issues on a daily basis, I think this is getting taken out of context. They have similar phrases regarding coffee, “Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee…”blah blah blah. Also, there is a huge difference between unwinding after a long day with a glass of wine and drinking so much that it effects your functioning. These phrases mention drinking but not “Hey moms, drink until you pass out” or “drink to suffer through motherhood, ” Or I’ve never taken the messages like that.
Hi Eva,
Totally agree with you regarding the difference between unwinding after a long day with a glass of wine and drinking yourself into a coma. no argument there. my point was that it’s being made ok to use a substance like alcohol to “cope” with life. specifically motherhood. not for one second am i saying i’m on cloud 9 with otto 24/7. there have been many days of spontaneous exhausted tears no doubt. but the suggestion of using wine to cope or escape to me just seems wrong. Thank you for sharing your opinions. it’s so important to have these kinds of positive discussions! 🙂
YES!!!! Now that our girls are older (7 and 9), we are extremely conscious about what message we send to them about alcohol. It is glamorized in our culture and heavily promoted among women, especially, right now. I don’t ever want to be the reason they think that the answer to a bad day, a frustrating moment, grief, motherhood, weather, whatever it is…to be alcohol. I love wine, I love craft cocktails, my husband loves craft beer. But our children see us enjoy those things in moderation, and on occasion. Most nights at the dinner table we all have a big ole glass of water. And I’ve been vocal with them and said things like, “Mom has had an exhausting day, so instead of making poor choices, I’m going to give my body what it really needs, and go to bed.” Because when they’re grumpy, that’s what I say to them—I don’t shove a glass of rose in their faces. ♀️ I’m glad to hear more people speaking about about this, because anchange needs to happen. Kids don’t need moms who can’t function without vodka—and moms deserve a better life than that for themselves, too.
Thanks Abby
Abby!! <3 Every inch of me was empathizing with this post. I felt your words go through me and had goosebumps on my goosebumps. I am sitting at my desk working on a book that is my heart split open. Years ago I chose not to waste or numb my pain. I often dream of a time machine that would take me back to raise my kids once more. I want to experience all those precious moments again and never take a second for granted. I’d even relive every painful, tearful moment. I’m only here because I chose not to numb my pain in the face of adversity. My husband chose the wine. God Bless You for having the courage to say what so many of us think. Why are so many moms acting as if they are burdened with the greatest gift they will ever have? Wine is to be enjoyed with good food and friends. It’s not a medication to promote tolerance. @susanisdreaming
AMEN! “Wine is to be enjoyed with good food and friends. It’s not a medication to promote tolerance.”
Excellent post Abby, as always. Love your heart! And… I know you are busy but how about a cookbook your food posts are the I love the way you cook!
. It has always bothered me that Mom’s drink without considering the fact that anything can happen- how can you take care of your precious babies if you are drinking?!
Amazing post! Not even for Moms but anyone. Drinking because you’ve had a bad day, need to get over a breakup, or simply deal with the shit that happens when you have to adult is ridiculous. Life can suck, and suck really really badly. But trust me, those problems don’t go away the next day and I sure as hell would prefer to wake up without a hangover and tackle my problems like an adult! Keep up the great work… you’re a wonderful mother, wife, sheep owner, shop gal, and all 99 other titles you could have throughout the day and you can do it all without a drop!
I love this, and couldn’t agree more! While I enjoy a glass of wine, or a beer, I’ve also seen first hand how destructive alcoholism is….and these memes and shirts and whatnot just glorify drinking. I’m proud to say I made it through a month of solo parenting while my husband was in rehab for alcohol addiction without needing a drink myself. Well said, Abby!
Always at the end of my day I look forward to seeing Otto and his Momma keeping it real, the love that comes through you, two makes a heart skip a beat .
Perhaps “frantically racing against time” and trying to be all things to others and yourself is the root cause of your apparently visceral reaction to seeing a “life happens, wine helps” t-shirt.
Take a step back and honestly ask yourself… how would I have reacted to the same t-shirt 2 years ago?
Would your reaction have been along the same lines as your current reaction or would you have smiled for a moment, perhaps even laughed or rolled your eyes and simply moved on?
Perhaps it’s our differences in age and stage of life… I’m twice your age, have raised a daughter, and am the grandmother of a delightful young man. To have such a visceral reaction to a t-shirt seems a wee bit over the top, and the real source of your reaction may be deeper within you than you wish to think.
Relax, breathe, enjoy Otto, Joe and all aspects of your life
Hi Luci,
Thank you for sharing your opinion. I think my reaction is deep but not just totally based on feelings. These shirts, memes etc are suggesting that it’s totally ok to rely on a substance to escape reality.
These types of “jokes” (for lack of better words) suggest that we cannot handle bad days and need something like wine (that is meant to be enjoyed) as the only form of release.
I was annoyed by it two years ago and am annoyed by it even more now.
When I say frantically racing against time I meant that I just want life to slow down. It doesn’t matter if I spend the day at the office or am home all day with Otto. The days fly by no matter what you do and I don’t want to miss a single sweet moment of it.
Thank you for your thoughts and opinion and contributing to this discussion!
I have had a similar conversation (more than once) with friends about the whole ‘drink wine and escape life’ concept. Seriously. Not only is it just a bad idea, it does glorify drinking in a way that makes me uncomfortable. I come from a background of alcoholism also, so I was thinking it was just me. It’s not just me, it’s a few of us who think this kind of cultural ‘norm’ is not really normal. Thanks for being p****d off enough to write about it 🙂
Beautifully said sweet Abby!!! ❤️
My mother-in-law gifted me a tee shirt that says “raising little ones is a blessing” and I wear it proudly. Such a good reminder that our children are gifts not to be taken for granted or somehow survived. They are people who Good intrusts us with and we should be grateful for the blessing.
I shutter each time I enter a lovely boutique and next to some hand made soaps, I see high end wine glasses or wine tumblers. Growing up with an alcoholic father that used alchol as a crutch, I choose to not drink at all. I don’t want to send my child any mixed messages. That is my choice. Alcholism runs in my family and I want my children to know how dangerous addiction (of any type) is. Like the song says “Oh becareful little hands what you do, because the Lord up above is looking down in love….”. There are also little eyes looking up at us too.