one year

it’s been one year since i first shared the story of the loss of our first baby. it’s been an odd week. i’ve known this day was coming and i’ve honestly just done my best to shove it aside and try not to think about it. it’s a weird feeling when you have a baby inside of you moving and kicking (and head butting you in the rib) and thinking about what today might have looked like in a perfect world.

photo: leah mullett photography 

in a perfect world i probably would have been running around freaking out that our house wasn’t clean and family is coming over to celebrate our baby’s first birthday. i would have spent way too much money on a theme and run out last minute to grab a cake just in case mine didn’t turn out. we would be celebrating and laughing and reminiscing about how fast that first year goes.

i feel weird because i do not feel sad today. sorrow is not the word to describe the emotions i’m feeling. in fact i can’t quite put into words what i’m feeling this morning. several times even throughout this pregnancy my mind has drifted back to the what if’s and the grief that comes with the loss of a baby. but it is always intermingled with hope. hope and faith that God has got this.

throughout the course of this year i’ve walked with a few friends who sadly, have also experienced loss. each time my heart breaks because i know every grimace of pain, emotion, unexpected sorrow that comes with it. sometimes its just so raw and piercing that you can’t even put it into a category. i hope and pray that i have been the resource and person to them as those who have experienced it before me have been for me. i’m grateful for the ones who were willing to share their stories with me and offer advice, counsel and support.

joe and i talk about it every now and then and i’ve said several times to him that at least in my experience, women feel this differently. we are the first to know that something is within us. and the second we do know this instinct to protect and nurture and grow takes over our entire being. at the first sign of a threat we go into full out survival mode. and when it doesn’t work out we sometimes feel a tremendous amount of responsibility. even though it isn’t our fault.

throughout our entire journey to become parents i keep going back to the story in the Bible of Jesus healing the blind man. (John 9) 

people ask Jesus repeatedly who has sinned so that this man his blind? His family? his parents? Jesus breaks it down saying he’s not blind because he has sinned, he is blind so that the works of God may be displayed in him.

our miscarriage, the pending birth of our second baby, the upcoming surgery our baby faces… i just pray that all these things are so the works of God might displayed in babies and in us.

God has taught joe and i a lot over this past year. to appreciate the time we have together. to build each other up and support each other, listen to each other and pick each other up when one starts to stumble. through bad doctor reports we’ve prayed and clung to the bond that we have. through the times when we both had the wind knocked out of us we both started from the bottom to build each other back up. forcing us to rely on God’s will rather than our partner. i am so grateful that God has given us the will to come together in hard times.

so today i’m not going to be sad. i’m going to find peace in the lessons we’ve learned over the past year and anticipate what God has in store next for us. soaking in this peaceful morning. joe and i have been so grateful for the love and support from everyone over the course of our journey. there is just no way these things would have been bearable without the power of prayer and God. thank you.