it’s hard to believe that an entire week has gone by since we first learned of everything that was going on with our little goldfish. it seems almost like something we’ve known all along if that makes sense? like these possibilities and potential futures have been here with us all along when really it was just a short week ago. i’m not going to lie it’s been a rather tough week. we have gone into the shock, denial anger phases of it all. i feel right now i’m still caught up in a bit of the anger phase mixed in with the acceptance.
it’s hard to describe the anger though. i’m not mad at God, doctors etc. i’m angry that our little goldfish is going to have to struggle and feel pain and not know what it feels like to be a healthy newborn for the first few months of he/shes life. you feel robbed for them.
like i said yesterday joe and i have been trying to keep as busy as possible to keep our minds from wandering to all the what ifs. we have moments of break downs and moments of strengths but we are just trying to navigate what this all means for us and goldfish and to trust that it’s in Gods hands and he knows what he is doing.
meanwhile inside the goldfish is moving and shaking. it’s been hard to sleep because when i’m deep in sleep i forget i’m pregnant and can’t figure out why i can’t roll on to my stomach. then i wake up and realize oh yea i have a goldfish the size of a cauliflower inside me. i feel bad because i can feel and see it moving around and the second joe runs over and puts his hand on my stomach it stops moving. i have to laugh because it’s like we’re both in on something. day by day though i’m starting to see more movement rather than just feel it. i was working with my computer on my lap the other day and a few times the goldfish actually moved the computer it was pretty wild. kind of like telling me to quit working and go outside.
the wallpaper for the nursery came last night and i’m so excited to get that hung because i feel like it will allow me to start planning and making room in our home for the goldfish. although i keep wondering to myself how the heck i’m ever going to let him/her out of my site while we are ‘watching for signs’. i’m praying for strength and a level head to deal with that.
i’ve also started a registry but basically all that is on it right now are swaddles and bonnets. (boys can wear bonnets). i need to do some more research on what we actually are going to need for the fish. suggestions?
again, joe and i can’t thank you enough or express our gratitude enough when we say thank you for your prayers. we are still waiting and have a few weeks before our next appointment with the specialist team but we are putting this in Gods hands.
thank you so much again keep praying!