mental breaking point

i think everyone has a mental breaking point. for me lately it’s not one singular moment but rather a pulsated series of moments filled in with wonderful sparkling moments of hope if that makes any sense. yesterday was one of those mini breaking moments.

for starters i’m not a monday person in general never have been never will be but i do give it my best shot. yesterday morning otto woke up way earlier than normal and was super fussy. he has been super gassy lately. i know most people don’t have the ability to do this but we can pull air out of his tummy through his NG tube which is handy because we can’t burp him at the moment due to his surgery precautions. we’ve been pulling 10ml of air out each time so that can’t feel good. the little man finally drifted off back to sleep and i thought perfect….i’m going to pack his diaper bag and get his meds ready. i could hear the coughing from the other room but i was too late he had spit up all over himself and wouldn’t stop gagging. i felt so awful. i scooped him up and just rocked him until he stopped crying. i was crying, he was crying we just cried.

i had to give him a bath because the spit was all in his neck fat and baby spit up… stinks. so rub a dub dub otto’s pissed off in the tub. i wrapped him in a big fresh towel and just snuggled him until he calmed down. so there i was with pee, puke and wet bath water all over me. needless to say i got out the door late.

but by the time we got to my moms house he was a happy camper and only had a couple more spit up episodes throughout the day.

last night we were about to go to bed. we had the milk mixed, the diaper bag unpacked, the otto washed and we were watching shark tank and eating ice cream. otto was snoozing away and in a deep sleep. this kid… he doesn’t deep sleep. you move him from arms to bed and he is instant awake. if i even talk after not talking for a while he will wake up. last night this kid was not waking up. his color was good his breathing was good he was just so asleep. you could pick his arm up and drop it. we handed him from each other. we yelled OTTO right in front of his face and he was not waking up. trying to remain calm we reverted back to our old nicu trick and stripped him down and put a cold wet wipe on his behind. boom he woke up and looked at us like are you joking me. of course then we couldn’t get him back to sleep. mini mental breaking point number two.

everyone will tell you that you will have a mothers instinct and you will learn your childs cues. which i for the most part believe in. however i really think otto would make things easier if he could just talk. or give me a sign meaning don’t put me down i might hurl.

my mom was watching otto so i could go to the grocery store and i was walking around trader joe’s feeling a little sorry for myself. it was a little embarrassing now that i reflect on it. i needed to take a mental break to remind myself how good things actually are right now.

otto is doing great, yea he still has bad reflux but it is not NEAR what it was pre surgery. he sleeps good (in fact slept through the night … kinda last night). i have family close by to help me out. joe is an amazing father and steps in the second he gets home even though he’s worked all day too. i just kind of stood in front of the flowers in trader joes and looked around at all the flowers. i said a silent prayer for strength and an attitude adjustment.

i keep telling myself that every night we tuck otto in to bed is one more day under our belt of wellness and growth. he is such a strong little man. he even took 5 ml by bottle yesterday without wanting to punch me in the face. this is great. it’s small victories mixed in with the small mental breaking points.