i was making the schedule for the shop this weekend when it was there staring me right in the face. the lack 4 on a white square, the curser blinking waiting for me to type in workers names. october 4. next week. in some ways i feel like it’s all too soon and some ways i just wish we would get a call that says “you know why don’t you come in right now”. this season of life is rough and unexpected but has been teaching me so much.
i’m scared. i’m not going to lie. i have never been so scared in my entire life. i try to savor the moments we have together before we go in to surgery with otto and push those moments out of my mind but guys.. it’s hard. i keep telling myself i just need to muster up the strength to get him there. to physically get him to that hospital. the rest then will be in God and the surgeons hands. however after this weekend made facing surgery a little easier. the reason being otto is just struggling.
the worst thing in the entire world is watching your child suffer and being helpless to solve it yourself. to take it away. otto breaths so heavy that he has constant beads of sweat on his head and his back is always soaked. he has horrible reflux from his pumping heart that causes him pain every time he eats. the ng tube causes him to gargle from time to time. sunday night was a real turning point because we couldn’t put the poor kid down at all. he would cough and gag unless we held him completely upright. which made for a long night of no sleep. i think sunday night might have been as close to joe and i’s breaking point as possible. both exhausted and anxious and just yearning for our kid to be ok.
we stayed at my parents cottage for the weekend and just rested and relaxed in the air conditioning and by the water. we went for beach walks, stuck our toes in the water, drank coffee and let people help us. that has been a bit different too. i went from having the mentality that i can do this myself to letting people help. and i’m so grateful for it. my mother in law watched otto for a bit so i could go to a blogger event saturday night and my parents took turns feeding him throughout the night saturday so we could get a full night sleep. exhaustion mixed with anxiety does not allow anybody to have clear thoughts or a level head. i think that is why sunday night was such a one two punch. we had come off a night of rest, we enjoyed the beach together during the day only to be up all the next night worried about otto.
monday when it was time to go joe and otto went home in the morning because i was going to stop at the dentist office on my way home. i couldn’t go back to sleep in the free 45 minutes that i had so i walked down to the beach again. it was so calm and quiet. the sun had just risen so the sand was still cool making the water feel that much warmer. i went for a short walk just looking out into the water and down the dunes wondering why. and honestly i don’t think there is an answer to that question. i do not believe that God gave Otto this heart condition to teach anyone a lesson or because of something we did. God doesn’t work that way. but i was telling my friends saturday night God is using Otto’s condition to bring me back.
for so long i was on a path where i was doing things myself. and for a long time i was successful at it. i worried about abby and what abby needed and what made abby happy and what abby’s business needed and what abby needed from marriage life etc. i leaned on God for nothing. then my son was born and I very quickly learned that there is nothing I can do to physically heal him. nothing. i’m not a doctor, i can’t work miracles i am basically helpless.
God is using Otto to teach me so much about patience, trust and understanding. I have to believe that God can work a miracle in little Otto with his surgery. and i believe he will and he can. I have had to in my most exhausted state where my eyes are caked with makeup to cover the dark circles be patient with joe when the house is a disaster and he is just as tired but still goes off to work. God is leading us into a season of rest.
when Otto was born i had no plans of having to be so cautious with him. we were going to go out, flea market, coffee shops, work etc. with Otto’s condition we have to remain pretty isolated and guarded which is basically a screeching halt to me. I feel like we are a little more prepared in terms of having the mind set going into surgery that we are going to have to buckle down again for a long haul. we are looking at a minimum of 7 days at the hospital if everything goes perfectly then about another 6 weeks of healing at home which means little to no traveling out with the exception of doctor appointments. i feel like i am more prepared for that life than i was when he was born and we stayed at camp nicu.
so this week we are focusing on staying rest, healthy and trying to keep the anxiety levels low. easier said than done but i keep telling myself why think about that day until it’s actually here.
i stood on that beach monday morning writing otto’s name in the sand and praying for him, his heart, for us and this verse came to mind, “i lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? my help comes from the Lord maker of heaven, creator of the earth”. and it’s true. this season of rest sponsored by God because he’s got this.