Anger and Character

I have been feeling the call to share some things that have been on my heart with you today. It’s a big week for us. It’s the 2nd anniversary of Otto’s heart surgery. I went to a prayer breakfast this morning where a friend of mine shared a very personal and vulnerable story with us, his colleagues. I was left very much moved by his story because he truly is a wonderful person and he handled the adversity in his life with such strength and grace but most of all faith. He quoted something this morning from a coach that i’m going to carry with me and that was to be more concerned about your character than your reputation.  Your reputation is what people make up to be about you but your character is who you truly are.

It made me think of somethings I’ve been having a hard time internally with. I’ve been struggling very much lately with some anger issues and this week of Ottos surgery anniversary brings up all sorts of emotions in me. I’ve found myself becoming extremely irrationally angry at something as silly as an email about newborn blankets and outfits you can wear to match your newborn in the hospital for photos. I’m angry because I never got that with Otto. We were in the thick of things in the NICU. I went home for the first time after having a baby with out my baby and I remember those moments just having a hard cry in the shower. (PS why do hard cries always come in the shower). I was so scared.

My Facebook has been bombarded with the letters to moms about breastfeeding and the bond you make. Well I didn’t get to breastfeed. I did the best I could with the resources I had. And up until the last 3 months I fed my kid through a tube of which I had to/Had to change and replace that I still have nightmares about. More anger.

These things…so silly, so stupid to be angry about in light of everything isn’t it? But it isn’t silly and it isn’t stupid. Emotions are a very real and valid thing.

I think these feelings of anger are emerging because when we were in the thick of it we were just focused on progress, living, saving otto’s life. But we are in a place of calm for now and I have time to reflect a bit more on what we missed out on.

I keep trying to find the lesson in this all (because don’t all things need to have a lesson?) But I think the lesson that i’m learning is.. there doesn’t have to be a lesson.

I do know one thing though, I’m not nor do I want to be an angry person. I do not want to be a fearful person. This morning’s talk really drove that home. We as humans can come out of hard things not being hardened.

That doesn’t mean we are not allowed moments of anger but we do not have to carry it with us.  I will never say that I am grateful for the way we got to where we are today. Trust me I would have much rather had the matching newborn and mama set and to take my baby home to the nursery I prepared for him like how it’s supposed to go but that isn’t the cards we were dealt. We were meant for a different path. I will say though, I am grateful for the person I am now.

I care deeper, I love harder and I forgive easier. Sometimes it takes a moment of complete surrender to the almighty to make that change in you. Again, would have rather had a different path but here we are.

I’m not perfect and I have to constantly reaffirm that we are where we are by the grace of God. While I mourn for the experiences we didn’t get to have I rejoice for all of the many blessings we have been given. Otto is eating, we are going on two years surgery free and Otto is showing no signs of slowing down. He is a gifted wonderful child and he makes me love on a level I never felt physically possible.

It takes effort to find joy some days and that is ok.

Thank you for letting me have this space to express these feelings and thoughts. I’m navigating this life I’ve never imagined and it’s so beautiful and scary and everything in between. Thank you all for continuing on this journey with me. I am grateful for everyones support. Thank you for loving my family we love you back.