hi my name is abby and i had my first (maybe first and a half) all out baby meltdown about pending baby. it’s not as bad as the movies show. i didn’t throw anything, break anything, joe remained unharmed. but i definitely swirled into an all out panic about what life is going to look like in just a few short months.
let me preface this by saying, i wouldn’t trade it for anything. i welcome change and challenge with open arms and joe and i have prayed and longed for this baby which was only enhanced after experiencing a loss. which only compounded said break down but i’ll get into that later.
so lets start from the beginning shall we? i know full well that adding a sweet little human to joe and i’s life is going to turn things upside down for a while. no doubt. no doubt things are going to change and be different. bring it on. variety is the spice of life. and honestly it’s not how I view the upcoming change but how the world around me reacts to the changes in my life. does that make sense?
i have full intentions of going back to work(s) after this bundle of joy arrives. i have an amazing partner in life (that is joe) that supports this decision and knows that my work is important to me. i have beat my brains out to get to where i am today (who hasn’t) and as it stands right now have no intentions of going anywhere. i feel like this is a decision i have to defend on a daily basis. i’ve even have had people tell me “they can’t wait to see what i have to give up”. keep adding fuel to that fire. anyone who knows me knows that i am a circus freak that loves to juggle every challenge at once. but the thing is the more i have to defend my decisions to even just plan on resuming work life after goldfish arrives the more i begin to doubt myself and what i’m capable of.
crisis breakdown motive number 1: what if i can’t do it all. what if God moves me to choose? what if God moves me to give up on something, anything. i’m not naive of course somethings are going to be put on a bit of a hold for a while. but what if God calls me to move on to something else. that terrifies me. I love, and I mean absolutely LOVE every part of my life right now. even though some cause headaches from time to time.. i love my big girl job, the store, flea markets, farms, home, garden, blog, cooking etc. i’ve worked so hard to get to this point that i’m scared of being called to take a back seat. because if i am, i will listen (i’m all too familiar with the stories in the bible… that jonah guy? yea i’m not ready to sit inside a big fish anytime soon).
which leads to crisis breakdown motive number 2: what if while i’m on maternity leave the world moves on without me. what if by assigning temporary subs to all my projects proves me non essential. i take a lot of pride in my projects and the work that i do and what if i give it to someone who does it better or worse someone who doesn’t care like i do? i started to take inventory of everything that was going to need to be handled and taken care of while i have a baby coming out of me and for a while after it comes out. i don’t plan on completely stepping away but there is going to be a few weeks where everything is going to be 100% about goldfish albers. what if i can’t get it back when i’m ready? which leads to crisis motive breakdown 3.
crisis breakdown motive number 3: i’m being selfish. when we lost our first baby it was total and complete devastation. nothing mattered to me. everything was gray for a really long time. i haven’t ever been truly depressed but i definitely walked through and sometimes stood still in just shadows of darkness. and now here i am a year later with a healthy baby growing daily inside of me. everything i begged and pleaded for with God last time and i’m thinking about MY life and MY work. this tremendous amount of guilt and embarrassment just poured upon me and felt like just a huge weight upon my shoulders.
at that point i just sat looking at my computer in the screen room sobbing. for things that are not in my control, fear, guilt, anxiety. everything just came piling in on me at once and i was just so overwhelmed. i let myself just cry it out for a while.
here is what resulted from all of this. the conclusion for now if you will. after much silence and letting myself listen to both God and joe and myself things are going to happen. things we can’t change. things we can change. whichever is thrown at us we have the power to control how we handle them. no doubt my number one priority in my life is God and second to that is my family which will soon include little goldfish in the flesh Lord willing. my goal for now is to allow myself and those around me some grace when adjusting to new changes. whatever happens is going to happen and i have to trust the path that is laid in front of me.
i hope this makes sense. i have been having this on my heart to share because i can’t help but feel other woman and maybe even men feel this way sometimes. know that we are allowed to feel how we feel and to keep your eye on the prize.