i could feel it when i woke up first thing in the morning. i didn’t sleep good, i was tired, i had a ton of stuff to get done before i got out the door that day. i just wanted to get up and go but life and all it’s wonderful responsibilities was weighing me down and someone was going to have to pay for it. lucky me there was a worthy opponent fast asleep right next to me. i looked over at joe sound asleep breathing heavy. i think sat up and looked over at the edge of the bed at otto sound asleep breathing heavy. and i was pissed. i wanted to be sound asleep breathing heavy but my body was like nope! time to pump. and then after that get otto ready to go to grandmas for the day. and then this and then that and then that and it just all overwhelmed me and like i said someone had to pay. and i decided it was going to be joe.
here is the thing i’m not blowing smoke..joe is an amazing parent and partner. (he usually doesn’t read my blog so he hopefully won’t get a big head). the man changes diapers, takes night shift feedings, mixing and cleans bottles, does dishes aka is a great parent and partner. that morning i think he could sense that i was out for blood and just said “just get ready for work i will handle otto this morning”. i didn’t want that though. i needed to point out how wrong he was doing everything. i sat in a chair holding otto who was having a bit of reflux issues and criticized everything joe did. from packing the diaper bag to getting medications ready. in my head i could hear myself yelling at myself (i’m not crazy) (not completely at least) i could hear myself yelling ABBY STOP but no just kept going. joe and otto left for work/grandmas and i finished getting ready and quick sat down to do my devotions.
grace. the topic was grace. oh crap. i prayed for a mind reset and a heart reset. grabbed joe some breakfast because i know he forgot and headed to work. i beat him to the office so before heading to my meeting i placed the breakfast bar on his desk with a hand written note “sorry i was a naggy b$tch wife this morning. i love you”. and headed off to my meeting. i walked it as upbeat as a beaten down person could and tried to remain positive the rest of the day. remembering what i had read and prayed that morning. that afternoon joe and i had a meeting to work some things out in our will (you know now that we have a descendant). nothing lifts you up more like talking about when you die. or as joe kept putting it in the meeting “when we croak”. how sentimental. but it really made me sit back and think about the actual legacy i would want to leave. not just the material trail we are planning out now but how to be remembered. i would hope to be remembered as a kind hearted graceful person. someone who loved hard, loved Jesus, loved her family and lived a good life. i walked out of that meeting resolved to “starting over” and being that person.
that lasted about hm.. 3 hours? i was on the phone with my mom telling her about the day and waiting to pull in to a parking spot at the grocery store. blinker ON i waited for the car to pull out only to have a man in a little jetta whip in at the last minute. incredulous i never had that happen to me before! who does that. he clearly needed to be called an a$$ clown. or so i thought at the moment. i didn’t roll down my window but i looked at him and mouthed as eloquently as i could so he could clearly see the dictation “a $ $ C L O W N” there was a bit of silence at the end of the line… ok do over again.
what am i getting at here? that we can resolve to do things over and over and over. we are sinful humans and we are going to stumble more than once. no doubt. but it’s the fact that we get back up and try harder than the last attempt. that we try our best to extend grace to ourselves as others. Lord knows we need it.