no safe assumptions


September 8, 2017

this is something that has been weighing on me pretty much since we had our miscarriage about two years ago and now into having kids. it’s the assumption that everyone else has/had it so much easier than you. when we miscarried i would catch myself being jealous or snarky that the people who were due the same time as me were having these healthy perfect beautiful babies and it didn’t quite work out for us that way.

when we got pregnant with otto everything was going perfect up until that 20 week appointment when we learned of otto’s heart condition. i’m not going to lie i got angry. i got so angry that our beautiful growing baby was going to have a different journey than “everyone else”. i fought to combat those feelings the rest of my pregnancy and even now into the first weeks of otto’s life.

this morning i sat in bed and listened to his labored breathing and little wimpers and i just got really mad. why does my baby have to be in pain and uncomfortable when healthy “normal” babies are born every day. why is it that my little guy has an uphill battle? it’s just not fair. i remember sitting in our parenting class before he was born and just looking around the room at all these people with what i assumed were having “normal” pregnancies and i kind of resented them.

that is when it hit me. you don’t know that. you don’t know how many women in that room struggled with infertility, miscarriages or just have health issue they are not sharing? we live in a world where it is so easy to project this picture perfect life but you don’t know everybody’s journey. what might seem picture perfect just might not be. they could just choose not to share it.

i have many friends who have lost babies, battled health issues, still battling health issues, journeying through infertility and failed adoptions. my point is you just don’t know. it’s easy to feel alone and isolated that “why me, i’m the only one” the fact is you’re not the only one, i’m not the only one. in fact there is an entire group of supportive moms out there with heart warrior babies. the fact that there is a group for support means hello!? i’m not the only one.

everyone has their struggles. and to those that don’t, who get that picture perfect pregnancy, birth and healthy babies… Thank God. I would wish that for everyone. my point is never assume everyone else has it easy. we all have our struggles and hurdles to overcome they just might not look the same as yours or mine.

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  1. Secrets says:

    I have three. Our second was a twin but we actually did not find out until AFTER the baby was born… it haunts me to this day, having the three, now knowing there could be four. I don’t talk about it with anyone and I’m open about everything. Everyone’s path is different.. even those we think have perfect pregnancies and healthy babies. Sigh

    • I hear ya. It’s hard and I still struggle with our first pregnancy knowing that we would have a one and a half year old. i don’t think those thoughts ever really go away but you learn to grow and they just become a part of you.

  2. Deb says:

    My son and daughter in law have recently lost their baby, at the same time my daughter and her husband are expecting a baby. It’s been hard on my daughter, not to feel bad. My son and daughter in law have told them to “not hold back” on talking about the baby. It’s hard tho., I get what you’re saying.

    • I felt the same when when I lost our first baby. you feel this empty lonely pain and for a long time feel like a shell of a person (at least i did). as hard as it was to hear of other wonderful pregnancies i wanted to rejoice with my friends and family on their little ones. it’s just such a hard balance to find.

  3. Brittany says:

    I totally understand how you feel. Last weekend my husband and I lost our second baby. We are very blessed to have two children however can’t help to feel angry when it seems like everyone around me is pregnant and not experiencing the same struggles we are. However, someone shares a quote with me that I have been reading a lot this week…”She was Brave and Strong and Broken all at once”. I feel like absolutely represents who I am at the moment but know that I am A Strong woman who can get through any challenge! I have been reading your blog and have been truly inspired but how positive you are even with the struggles you have had. I know that I am not alone in experiencing loss. Thank you for sharing your story!

  4. Jo Nelson says:

    Truer words were never spoken! When my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I remember one day I was walking through the grocery store. I was looking at people and thinking they had no idea what I was going through and surely no idea how torn apart I was inside. But my very next thought was I have no idea what they are going through either. None of us knows, and that’s a darn good reason not to judge. Keep your head up! You have God in your heart, so all will be well.

Abigail Albers       Author

Abby is a wife and mother, antique shopper, entrepreneur, gardener, sheep lady, sequin enthusiast and your Midwest Martha Stewart Wannabe.. Follow her on instagram @adventuresinabbyland.

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