no time limit for thanks

i’m a bit overwhelmed this thanksgiving. i honestly feel that there is not enough time to fit everything that i’m thankful for this year into one singular day. not that i feel like you can only give thanks today no no, but today is like the grand supreme day of being thankful. the past few years have been a mixed bag around the holidays and it took us a long time to get here to this place. but as i sit here in my living room. otto and joe are upstairs still snoozing away. i did my devotions in quiet with my coffee looking out over this room and into the dining room and i’m just overwhelmed.

it is hard to think that this is the first thanksgiving in two years i haven’t been pregnant. (hows that for just throwing things out there?) two years ago thanksgiving was the first day that we had signs we were losing our first baby. i didn’t eat anything that day out of nerves, fear, excitement.. we would go on to be “technically” pregnant for another few weeks after that but we eventually loss that baby the day after Christmas.that year… man that year was hard. i searched and searched and searched to find gratitude in my heart. but i’ll be honest i was angry. i was angry with God, i was angry with my body, i was angry at every person who was posting their little “pumpkin” arriving soon. and please don’t take this as i’m not thrilled for those expecting. i would never wish ill on anyone or their sweet baby. but when you are thick stuck in the mud and it covers your face and body, it limits your site to see all of the beauty that still surrounds you. it takes time to clean it off, stand up straight and see things clearly again. that was a significant year of growth for me spiritually, relationship and personally.

cut to last year when we had just found out we were pregnant with otto. i couldn’t believe that we were pregnant pretty much at the exact same time again. i remember driving the same route to my parents house as the year before and almost having a PTSD type panic. i cried. i was scared. we were not going to tell anybody we were pregnant until we saw the heart beat in a few weeks. i remember going around the table that year saying what we were thankful for and in my head just repeating “i’m so so so thankful for you”.

fast forward to july and our sweet otto made his debut. this journey into parenthood has been hard. super hard. gut wrenching, soul twisting, hand wringing hard. but there has been so much beauty in it all. i feel like we have been at this for years when in all reality come next week it will only have been 4 months.

its hard to think of what i’m actually grateful for because i start going through it in my mind and it just gets all jumbled there is just so much. but i’ll try.

I am thankful for the grace and mercy that God has shown to me and my family this year. we have had some incredibly difficult times and God has held our hand through it and got us to the other side. I don’t know what this next year will bring us but I’m praying for continued grace and mercy, strength and protection for my family. I am grateful that Otto has recovered well from surgery. I am grateful that Otto is doing well at home. I am thankful we are home for the holidays. I am hopeful for a miracle still.

I am thankful for an incredible partner in life. we have been through some hard $hit. there is no other way to put it. but joe has stuck by me and we have plunged through this head first getting us to a safer and stronger place than before. i will forever and always love and be grateful for you.

I am incredibly thankful for my support system of family and friends. who have prayed for us, encouraged us and supported us. carried on for us when our feet stumbled. to anyone who has said they keep Otto in their prayers i do not take that lightly. i treasure those prayers for him as i firmly believe that is what got us our first miracle. your prayers and encouragement are the greatest gift.

i am thankful for a good year in business. I am grateful that God has blessed the company i work for and the store i co-own. sometimes those things go by the way side with all of the things going on but i’m grateful to all those who helped pick up my slack this year when i just physically couldn’t do it. thank you to our amazing customers that support us.

and finally i don’t have the words to even express my gratitude to you.

but i am so thankful to the doctors and nurses and helen devos childrens hospital. you are incredible. i’m sitting here trying to gather my thoughts in how to express how truly thankful i am for you. and i just can’t. but if you’re reading this somehow please know that joe and i pray for you daily. you helped us get through surgery with our boy. you helped heal him. you’re watchful eyes, care and attention to detail are what got us through it and home. please never underestimate your profession. we are incredible, indescribably grateful to you. i’m grateful to your families as some of them have had to sacrifice time with you, probably on days like today so that you can go and do your work. please know your kind words, actions and hard work did not go unnoticed.

and with that.. i need another cup of coffee. happy thanksgiving my friends.