i’ve been thinking about this for a long time. about 17 weeks to be exact. pretty much since the morning i took that test and shoved it in my shoe closet (which i guess if i do that two pregnancies in a row it’s officially a habit) it’s been weighing on my heart. how do i deal with this pregnancy when the only one i’ve experienced didn’t go as planned?
the past few weeks have been this unhealthy mix of fear and excitement and more fear. through all of it i’ve had to reassure myself that we are given the choice of faith or fear. but sometimes your human nature just can’t be that positive. everything has been on track with this pregnancy. we’ve heard the heart beat, we’ve seen it with our own eyes. but that doesn’t make the pit in your stomach go away.
every time i feel a cramp i run to the bathroom just to make sure. i go into my appointments expecting the worst and giving it a gold star for the week for “passing”. it’s this weird weird head game that i am stuck in. i had about 7 or so ultrasounds with my last pregnancy and i’m just pre conditioned to the techs grim face that i just can’t get it out of my head.
don’t get me wrong joe and i are over the moon with excitement for this baby. but i would be a bold face liar if i didn’t say that i was absolutely terrified of something going wrong. i watch other girls on social media who are weeks behind me “feeling flutters” and growing bumps and i freak myself out that i don’t have that, feel that, see that. it’s just a constant worry that everything might not be ok. it usually gets worse right before doctors appointments because my mind is telling me to brace myself. and by the grace of God so far every appointment has been passed with flying colors. (except that my doc is limiting me to a 10-15 lb TOTAL weight gain) (my family has 9.5lb babies)
i love the idea of a rainbow baby, a baby that comes after a loss. but a rainbow assumes that the storm is over and i just am not through it yet. these anxious, doubtful and worrisome feelings then lead to guilt that i am 1.) not putting my faith and trust in God on this one and 2.) that i’m not bursting with baby excitement yet.
i’m not writing this for sympathy but to just be honest. many of you have shared your stories with me over this past year and i am so grateful for you. i just thought maybe i’m not the only one going through these fears. if you are, know that i am carrying it in my heart. and for those of you who constantly remind me that you are praying for joe and i, you will never know how grateful i am for those prayers.
my next appointment is next week and i’m going to focus very hard on being positive, enjoying the experience, trusting in God and hopefully seeing our little boy or girls healthy heartbeat and body.