it’s weird driving into work without the baby in the back seat. we have somehow figured out that monday and thursdays otto will be going to one of our parents houses (thanks moms!) so i can get back into the swing of things at work. joe drops off in the morning and i pick up in the evening.
it’s weird because as much as i savor and look forward to my “alone time” in the car i miss the heck out of that kid the second he’s gone. my wall by my work desk is plastered with pictures of him and it makes my heart hurt a little bit but i also love a little taste of independence and a glimpse of my “old self”.
it’s funny because i will never be who i used to be ever again. and honestly i wouldn’t want to. sure there are things i miss… being able to get ready, drink hot coffee and be out the door in less than 30 minutes.. but i’m a different person on the insides.
i’m reading a devotional right now that a friend passed on to me and this morning it was about thankfulness. and (in my own words) nothing ticks God off more than ungratefulness. i thought to myself so many times i’m forgetful to be thankful. joe and I had a long discussion on this at dinner on my birthday. i just wasn’t excited, i wasn’t my usual birthday celebration self. i just felt bad. not that i’m getting older that’s a different issue. but that things are good for us right now. otto is home with us and doing well. he is gaining weight, we are making progress with his feedings things are just going well with him. the store is doing awesome, my business partners are amazing and we are about to enter the funnest, busiest time of year. i love my job and i’m grateful to be working again. i’m grateful for my dad boss being so understanding and my amazing coworkers for their help. but i was just down in the dumps and have been for a little bit and couldn’t really put my finger on it.
this morning’s reading really hit home. sure i acknowledged that these things are “good” but was i really thankful? i feel guilty, actually enormously guilty for taking the credit pre otto myself. i relied very little on God to be honest with you and i went to church to make my parents happy because i knew they would ask me if i went or not. everything “religious” was done pretty much in obligation.
i feel guilty. a lot. that i only went running back to God after i had exhausted all options for trying to “fix” otto myself. like my arm was twisted until i was on my knees and yelled uncle to finally hand things over. like being friends with someone because you want something out of them. i’m working through a lot of those issues right now. trying to rebuild a relationship with God rather than use him like a magical healing genie in a bible.
these types of guilty feelings and regret really surface when we have a big day ahead of us. we have a cardiology follow up today and i found myself at all hours of the night waking up and thinking about it, begging God to just make it be ok.
this morning i finished the chapter and just prayed a prayer of thanks. thank you for making things so good these past few weeks, thank for for our sweet otto that he is here and doing better. thank you for keeping him strong and growing. thank you for a wonderful partner to navigate this with. please give us the strength to see this through. thank you for our amazing team of doctors and let them deliver the best news today.
it’s amazing how the heart changes (at least mine did) when i gave THANKS out loud for so much good going on with us right now. sure we have some scary rough roads ahead. and i still have a lot of ground to cover in terms of forming a deeper relationship with God. but all in due time.