year thirty

i’ve had very mixed emotions entering year 31 today. mostly because reflecting on year thirty exhausts me because it pretty much kicked my ass. physically and emotionally. year thirty gave me some of the most beautiful moments of my life and the absolute hardest moments of my life.

i remember this time last year very vividly. joe and i were in the truck on our way down to nashville for a weekend of birthday fun together. we spent 8 hours in the car on the way down laughing and being excited to celebrate together. we ate amazing food, stayed out late and slept in. little did we know we’d be coming home with the otto. (ps i made it quite clear to joe i did not want another baby this birthday, something materialistic will do just fine.)

i had a feeling that year 30 was going to be awesome. it was going to be a new chapter. i had no idea how absolutely literally God was going to take that.

just a few short weeks after returning home from our trip i started to notice similar symptoms from my last pregnancy…insomnia, back pain, appetite loss….. i knew i was pregnant and i knew this was going to be our baby.

i remember the excitement of sharing the news with joe and our family and the rest of the holiday season was pretty much growing our baby goldfish (soon to be otto).

i remember the day we went in for that ultrasound that rocked our world. the ultrasound that we found out about otto’s heart. and the trying times that lay ahead.

i will never never never forget the moment that sweet boy was born. the moments leading up to his birth, the first time i saw him, smelled him, felt the weight of his tiny body.

i will never forget being wheeled into the nicu with the gut feeling of i don’t know which one was mine. that lasted only a short time because mine was the colossal baby taking up the entire plastic tub.

i remember the days and weeks we spent in the hospital together and how we grew as a family in those quiet moments.

i remember the day of otto’s surgery and all of the emotions i felt during that time.

i remember all of the beautiful moments the three of us got to snuggle and drink coffee on sunday mornings.

but mostly what i will remember about year 30 is that it was the year i learned that this was not about me. none of this is about me. i grew as a mother and a human and learned what it was like to feel completely out of control and have to fully lean and trust in God. those dark moments in the hospital and beyond where i begged and pleaded with God to see things my way and try to use my plan and finally having to give it up and pray for strength to see his plan through.

year 30 taught me that i am not the boss. i have to let go and trust. that is a big lesson for someone who is…well controlling.

i had to slow down, give things up, take steps back, be quiet and grow. holy moly have i grown this year.

i’m feeling quite mellow about year 31 because i know our journey is still continuing on. it’s not “wrapped up” by year 30. we have a lot of beautiful, scary, exciting things to come this year.

i used to write down goals, ambitions for each year but now things are just different.

my prayers and hopes for year 31 are

• continue to pray boldly for ottos complete and total healing. that his next surgery is successful and we can put medical stuff behind us and focus on his growth into a healthy happy little boy.
• that i continue to lean and trust in God for guidance, strength, a plan and a purpose
• patience as my life is still adjusting and changing into something new and different. that i learn to enjoy it more
• that i am a good mom to otto. that when he thinks of me he thinks of safety, comfort, love and patience
• that i am a good wife to joe. that when he thinks of me he thinks of worthy partner, love, comfort, patience and dedication.

i pray that year 31 isn’t as hard on me as year 30. i pray that it is in fact, the best year ever. i have a good feeling.